Coming Back Home

It was chic, shiny & slightly decadent, my life in Milano. For years, me & the city used to match perfectly, in a beautiful toxic lie. I was living the dream of many little girls around the world. Since middle school, I had been collecting fashion magazines and known most of the various brands’ seasonal campaigns. I had written my story way before my first single-way ticket to a sparkling illusion of the Fashion world.

As most of my past relationships, the one with Milano was a constant roller-coaster of love & hate. Milano knew how to give me the right dose of dopamine that I had always been chasing. Fashion system knew how to keep me alive, by destroying me slowly. For too much time, I had been bullshitting myself that I was happy because successfully fulfilling what the system expected from me. The suppressive system of beliefs in my mind.

I got two degrees, I changed multiple jobs, I got the professional position I had always dreamt about, I created a lot of seasonal campaigns (that my inner child was excited about), I was on set with one of my favourite models ever, so I guess - I did have it all. For the price of not feeling anything.

Then the pandemic hit in, from a day to another, and I was a prisoner of my own dream, in a great location, suffocating in 40m2. I was feeling helpless in my relationship, I was frustrated all the time because of my job and I couldn’t go out for a proper dose of distraction from myself, the city would usually offer me in these occasions. I was looking at my li(f)e crumbles in front of my eyes. I knew this was the end, but I was still holding on to a li(f)e the others would appreciate more.

I packed myself and my cat (both terrified as hell for this decision) and flew back to my hometown, a small coastal town, where literally nothing (that can keep me away from myself) could happen. I spent the first months there looking at the sea, praying for everything to dissolve in dust. With my whole being, I felt the Void. It was more active than ever, it was scary, dark and… beautiful. As the Universe itself. This was the moment I realised that, through discomfort & pain, I had been given the opportunity to start over. I didn’t have a clue how, what to do, in which direction to go… so I decided to stay still, as long as possible, until I could feel again the beats of my own heart.

All my identities were over. I couldn’t identify myself with any family or social role, with any professional role, with any religion or nation… There was no more any system I could fit in, nor I wanted to. With ego dissolving, there was the consciousness arising and, day by day, I felt more the Oneness of everything. Slowly, I started to feel the rhythm of nature, to never feel alone again in front of the majestic sea, in front of every single tree, in front of all gorgeous mountain I was surrounded with. Living in the fjord meant I was given the daily luxury of the breathtaking nature around me, in all of her forms. I started again to feel. It was overwhelming, heart-breaking and it finally made sense to exist. Now, I know that surrendering to an infinite spectrum of emotions and finding pleasure in all of them, that is what this life is about.

I came back Home.

It didn’t happen overnight or with one plane ticket - it was a long, sometimes infinite ride, that is still on-going. I let the curiosity guides me through different techniques of encountering and embodying my own truth and I commit daily to stay open to whatever comes on my way. Some days are challenging and triggering, the others are smooth and comforting. Some days hold a little bit of nostalgia and sadness for my past sparkling lives, but this doesn’t mean I would go back there. I can see how every step I made, brought me exactly where I needed to be. How every “failure”, was just a re-direction, bringing me back Home to myself. I still enjoy Fashion, but in its essence, with just one intention - to play with it while freely expressing myself in many other ways.